Friday
Amsterdam Xmas 06
Bitches, call your doctors and pharmacists and cancel you Xanax prescriptions.......I'm back.Amsterdam, city of sin, land of lust, the shrine to debauchery, has been my home for the past week and it proved to be a great host. Amsterdam and I were made for each other.
I was staying at what I was led to believe was a very exclusive hotel, so I did what any pretentious 22 year old wanna be, would do and took a limo from the Airport to my hotel.
Before you start imagining me stepping into some Karen Walker style vehicle I have to disappoint. It was a Mercedes limo, which as anyone who's used them before would know that they're basically glorified long cars.Watch the vid...
Now I was hoping for complimentary Ferrero Rocher's and the jingle, but I had no such luck. I always thought all limos had Ferrero Rocher's fitted as standard. Maybe its only in Rolls.
Anyway I wanted to make an entrance after all if the doorman sees you arrive in style he makes sure your looked after during your stay, hoping for that big tip. Well I needn't have bothered, I could have turned up in a fucking Tut Tut and It would still look extravagant.
There was no grand hotel, no regal façade, and no fucking doorman. It was like turning up to the "opening of a fridge" in a limo and ball gown. I was disappointed to say the least. This allegedly 4star hotel was no more than a B&B, one can only assume that the star rating in Amsterdam work in reverse order. On checking in, the "Hotel" owner said with such pride that I had the best room in the "Hotel".
Best Room? Best for what? Best use of a small space? Best of a bad situation?
Look at my fucking "room", its hardly a suite at the Palace. If this is the best, I'd hate to have seen the other god forsaken rooms.
But you gotta look at the bright side, the location was fantastic away from the touristy rabble in the exclusive part of the city. And the views from my room were inspiring, looking over the canals. It gave me a real feel for the place.
Anyway I figured the best way to forget that you staying in a very well located shit hole is by channelling your inner Eddie and Pats, and everyone knows the only way to do that is through the medium of Stoli.
A little camwhoreing after a few Stoli Amaretto Redbulls and several Heinekens.
Amsterdam really is a surprising place packed full of contradictions, from the garish red light district to the quaint sophisticated art galleries, it really is the tale of two cities, the outlandishly seedy on one hand and the understated chic on the other, with everything else catered for in between. Its a place which one day I could happily call home. 
If I did move to Amsterdam I would have to rework my life's mantra, people don't drive here, everyone cycles everywhere. "I don't pedal, I'm pushed" is possible, but it doesn't quite have the same ring to it, and it also brings up images of the disabled being pushed around, which is never a good thing. Even Gucci mommas cycle, dressed all in black and tweed clutching their Gucci and LV bags tightly as they cycle by.
I did for one minute consider doing the full Brit abroad routine. You know, gain 20 pounds, dress in council estate chic, queue up for museums, visit crappy famous places, eat at MacDonald's, drink in "Irish pubs" etc etc, but then I though fuck it, you've seen one museum you've seen them all. Then I remembered I'm not a man of the people, I don't do the things which they do, I set my own standards and live by my own rules (which I make up as I go along), besides I forgot to buy a guide book, I don't queue, and I believe that the BigMac is gods answer to population control.Insidethegaygate Statute:
IS GOOD: Shopping, debauchery, stoli, class A drugs, D&G.
IS BAD: Burberry, man-made fabrics, chavs, bumbags (aka fanny packs)
So basically I spent the week barhopping, clubbing, shopping, and .......
I found a bar called Ghetto which serves the now infamous Ab Fab cocktail the Stoli Boli and at only $10 a pop. I even got RSI, a Repetitive Shopping Injury (hurt my foot traipsing through too many shops), I drank enough to sink a canal boat and I met some interesting people.
Good times.
There was one distressing moment. When I saw this poster I almost fell to my knees clutched my face and cried to the sky "Whyyyyy?" . One of my favourite DJ's of all time is playing Amsterdam on the Day I fucking leave. Proof again that there is no god.
One thing I didn't try was the coffee shops, they just looked so tacky, more of a tourist trap than a place to chill. Not that I'm against drugs, far from it I just cant be bothered with smoking the weed, been there done it, designed and modelled the paranoia T-shirt. 
Guess what, busy old me also had not one but 2 holiday romances. I can now add Brazilian and Dutch (OMG....) to my growing list of International Lovers. I swear on the life of Dolce and Gabbana I must have been chatted up about 100 times over the few days.
Why is that?
In England, the cesspit of a country I unfortunately call home I never get asked out, in fact people don't look at me twice never mind flirt with me, but the second I get on a plane out of here all that changes, maybe I'm just an international only lover. Maybe its the exotic factor? Who fucking knows, what's certain is that I definitely need to travel abroad at every given opportunity - for my libido's sake.
What I enjoyed most about the trip was not the vibrant nights out on Amsterdams gay and Str8 scenes, not the endless days of boutique hopping shopping and most definitely not the food (the Dutch can NOT cook for shit). It was the time alone. I had some much need me time, a chance to get lost in a new city and also in my own thoughts. It helped to clarify some things which I already knew and some which I didn't. One thing is that I really have to leave Harrogate soon, but that this time I must do it right, with style, grace and plenty of cash, otherwise I run the risk of it ending like all my other failed Harrogate escapes - back where I started behind Harrogate's invisible bars.
Anyhow, if you get the chance you simply must go and explore Amsterdam for yourself, there really is something to capture everyone's imagination. For me, its a brilliant example of how a city should be, its sophisticated, chic and tacky whilst being healthy, relaxed, open and safe. Its just a shame that more places havent followed in Amsterdams successful, liberating footsteps.